Disclaimer: Reginald is a crotchety old man who hates anything good in video games. It is usually beneficial to believe the opposite of what he says. For example, if he hates the music in a game, it is probably some of the best music you could ever listen to. You’ve been warned!
Hey. My name is Reginald. I’m old, I’m I tired, I’m a gamer. So what, you got a problem? Eh, who cares. Anyway, I play games, and decided to start reviewing ’em. I’m so tired of the amount of crappy games out there, I couldn’t keep my mouth shut any longer. Er, I mean, couldn’t hold back from writing any longer. Whatever, you get what I’m saying. Or maybe you don’t. I don’t care.
Moving on (stop distracting me!), I got to sit down with Hyrule Warriors, and I’ve got to say it’s a huge pile of junk. I don’t even know where to begin! Wait, that’s a lie, I do know where to begin: first the gameplay. Though I definitely enjoyed the repetitive gameplay mechanics – seriously, who doesn’t love very little variation in game mechanics for over 25 hours of gameplay? – I have to say I was not fond of the upgrade system or the new moves that could be learned. I don’t want options! Give me one way to play, and one weapon; I don’t need multiple weapons, a “level-up” system, or fancy moves. While I’m at it…
I hate that each character has such bombastic attacks. I want my character to swing a sword, and that’s it! Who actually enjoys those cinematic pieces of junk? Not me, that’s for sure. Also, why do we need a billion different characters to play with! Ugh, I would spend way too long deciding which character I wanted to play as, fuse weapons together to make better ones, and give ’em badges. I just want to play a level with one freakin’ character! All this flash really distracted me from the repetitive gameplay, which was, by far, the best part of the game. If they had just relied on that repetitive stuff, this game would’ve gotten a perfect two thumbs up from ol’ Reginald. But alas, they ruined even that simple task with flash, options, and true variation between so….many…different….FREAKING…..CHARACTERS.
And I don’t want my games to last long either. As I write this scathing review, I’ve put in over 20 hours of game time in just “Legend Mode,” whatever that means. That’s another thing that grinds my gears, as well. I was looking for one game mode, maybe two, and what do I get? Various modes like “Free Mode,” which allows the player to use any character they’ve unlocked (that’s a whole other issue!) for any scenario (why can’t they just call them LEVELS). Or, another terrible mode is “Adventure Mode.” I don’t want this creative gameplay with tons of Zelda fan service. I’m no fan, and I don’t need any type of stupid servicing. Unless it’s for my Buick Regal. That costs a lot, and it is always breaking down, so you can service that, Koei Tecmo! Such jerks…
You thought I was done, didn’t you? Nope. I wanna talk about the music now. It’s terrible. From the moment I heard that orchestrated version of the Zelda theme song, I threw up in my mouth. And the fact that each scenario (ugh, I mean LEVELS) has its own unique, terrible tune all the way to the ending credits of “Legend Mode” really turned me off on the music. Give me one song that plays on repeat for each level, because I don’t want to be distracted from the many different tasks they freaking throw at the player all the time!
Aside from all these terrible aspects about Hyrule Warriors, it does has some redeeming qualities, so I can’t give it the lowest score possible – it’s all about gaming journalistic integrity, right? Shut up. I know I’m not a journalist. I don’t need you telling me that. Where was I? Oh, yeah. The actual gameplay mechanics are nothing fancy or incredibly diverse, so that is a huge plus. Also, there is such limited online play that the only way they could’ve made it better was no online play at all. But I’ll forgive them that, I suppose, since I’ve already torn this game a new one. The fact they left online co-op out for “Legend Mode” shows me there are still some smart people out there developing games. Less is more, right?
Anyway, that’s it. There is too much crap-tastic content in Hyrule Warriors to give it any kind of recommendation. Too many characters, too many flashy moves, too many enemies at once to fight, too many objectives, too many game modes….too much. I think that is what best describes this game; it’s a gluttonous piece of junk that has too much “stuff” for its own good. Or any gamer’s good, for that matter. I give Hyrule Warriors a whopping 2 out of 10. Avoid this game if possible.
Until next time….Reginald has spoken.